Common Bloggin'

Blogs are awesome and I have a lot of thoughts on them, here are some humorous thoughts on the blogs of twentysomething americans.

Top common indicators that the blog belongs to a twentysomething american. I am guilty of all of these.

-It will change its name almost more frequently than it changes posts.

-50% of all post titles will include random ellipses... (Oh the depth of our thoughts...)

-It's always a blogspot blog. Far be it from us to figure out how to use wordpress. We are too concerned with the drama behind...ellipses...

-The author will never identify him/herself but will come tantalizingly close. Ways to accomplish the cat and mouse game of identity revelation include: Close cropped photos of everything but the author's face. Links to friend's blogs where the author of the original blog is conspicuously revealed in posted photographs. Photos of yourself on your own blog that are so thumbnail small that sometimes gender isnt even determinable. and, my all time favorite, posted photos of direct family members (often holding babies). I just love how its so heartstoppingly important to protect blog author identity but we have no problem exposing the identities of our immediate family. Awesome.

-If it's a guys blog he will have a black (brooding) background and if its a ladies blog there will be much patterned wallpaper background. seems sexist but you'd be surprised how often this is true.

-they will link to their blog on their facebook page.

-the actual content arc of a twentysomething blog is also predictable. The very first post usually starts out with an incredibly ambitious description of the solar conditions on the day the blogger was born. the blogger then tries to tell a condensed life story to lead up to the day the blog was created, but runs out of steam and resorts to...ellipses...to fill in whole decades. Here's a condensed Example:

"It was a cold and lonely Wednesday in San Mateo CA when my mother's water broke...i arrived in a house already stocked with two older brothers...and now I'm Blogging!

The whole purpose of the initial blog post of a twentysomething blog is something I like to call "Puttin' the world on notice". Its one small step for a blogger and one giant step for the internet. Oh how I love the "puttin the world on notice post"

After the 'puttin the world on notice' post a twentysomething blog usually goes one of 3 directions...you ready for this?...

1) Blog as diet. The blogger posts a bunch at the beginning and then slowly peters out. the periodic blogs that do appear always have introductory sentences that reflect the guilt of the now absentee blogger: "Ok, Ok i know its time for me to write this" or "I've been so busy but its about time I got around to telling you about my Tomatoes!" The guilt in these blogs is made even more painful by the fact that the "blog as diet" is rarely ever a well read blog. this means that your statements of guilt are usually floating around cyberspace unanswered and uncared for. My favorite part of the Blog as Diet is that it will stop for months on end, no activity at all, followed by a post that is basically a rephrasing of the original "puttin the world on notice" post but with an added element of self doubt. Awesome! This cycle will repeat itself until the Blog morphs into one of the two other blog forms.

2) Blog as Therapy. Simply put, this is anyone who knows how to blog from their mobile device. The Blog as Diet becomes a Blog as addiction, and everything is blogged about. A new guilt emerges: The guilt about not blogging interesting things. Its like the author realizes the blog is a free form of therapy but is too hooked to stop. The first sentence of a blog post (in general) is always the key. Blog as therapy guilt posts also usually use parenthesis to slip their in their insecure statements. Heres an example of a first sentence: "(Note to the world) I'm losing that fingernail I slammed in the door (like you even care)." Awesome. These are my favorite kind of blogs.

3) Blog as Hopeful monoliths of validation. Check that, these are my favorite kind of blogs, probably cause I've been guilty of this so many times. What happens is that a blog as diet blogger realizes that no one is reading and stops writing... except for maybe once every couple of months when they will post some random and awkwardly personal creative poem or photo or story. They know no one is reading but harbor a secret hope that someone will read that particular piece and recognize their blogging genius. Often, after they write this blog they will drop strange cryptic hints to X-boyfriends and X-girlfriends along the line of "Hey, I finally blogged again..." or "Did you know I'm blogging again...you should check it out...same blogspot address..."
hints like this will use...ellipses...like its going out of style. The ENTIRE purpose of a Blog as hopeful monolith of validation is to recieve reader comments. Comments are the fuel that feeds the fire and they will often use pity laced guilt trips to solicit them, ending posts like "and thats what i have to say about that...what? does no one else disagree?" The final act of a Blog as HMOV blogger is to reveal his/her identity in a cathartic draw back of the cyber-curtain, then to start another anonymous blog. Ah the cirle of Blog. Awesome.

Please enjoy (if anyone cares) and look out for (if you want to) more blogs from me (wouldnt you like to know) in the future (if you're lucky).

Aaron Allen (real name)